Don't get caught on that CP

Hide your ass from snoopers and trolls


Have you ever caught yourself on a furry porn site and thought to yourself "Wow, I hope nobody finds out about this!"? Bad question - the answer is yes. I don't even care if you're a missionary in Bhutan who doesn't even know what the Internet is. If you haven't jacked it to something you didn't want somebody else to know about, you're my grandmother. Better give me my inheritance before I murk your ass.

This shit doesn't even have to be illegal! You could have some completely legal porn of two cats fucking (not hep nor jazz nor any other human appropriation of felines), and you wouldn't want people to find out about that, right? Alright, unless you're a furry and stopped giving a fuck. But even then, you limit that to the online purr-sona.

Here's how you stop getting fursecuted, and start acting like a productive human being (lmao).

not to be andrew hussie, but i don't actually endorse this shit. i'm doing it for the guys who like Big Tits Round Asses and don't want their mom to walk in on them watching hentai. it's a real fucked-up post-i r o n i c society we live in.

Dumbass mistakes:

Close your curtains

You made it so far that you clicked on five y/o facials.mp4 and you never even bothered to obscure your windows? Holy shit. I hope you're ready for the neighbors to call the cops on your pedo ass and then arrest you at the very moment some poor kid's childhood gets destroyed.

Fuck those Scooby Doo fan theories about lesbianism, the last time my childhood got destroyed was when my abusive father would scream at his wife for six hours every weekend because he found a wedding photo he didn't like. I've got zero respect for anybody who mistreats kids, especially those than make them fuck suck and swallow under false pretenses. Why am I even supporting you? Because not everybody who watches porn is a pedophile (we think), and if there's some poor kid in Qatar that just wants to see tits without getting stoned to death, I will support that until my own stoning.

Delete the porn once you're done with it

Only ninety kids remember holding porn magazines in their closet waiting for the right opportunity to use them, until their parents walk into their room and end up filming thirteen y/o facials.mp4 with them.

So if you don't want to be caught and shipped into the sex dungeon, follow what the smart kids do: never have physical porn, and delete what's on your hard drive. I get it - you want to build a collection so you can feel some sense of accomplishment, showing off your refined tastes in bestiality. But so long as it's on your computer, it's going to be searched by somebody in the same position of power as the cops on Border Patrol who grilled a furry to check if bestiality was on their computer. If you're reading this, bless you.

Physical evidence can always be used against you, and even if your operating system says it's deleted, it's still on your hard drive somewhere. The operating system removes your ability to access it, but to somebody with specific tools and programs, it is very easy to recover. So if you actually do have a refined collection of bestiality, wipe that shit with Eraser, and not CCleaner, which is closed-source and for all we know getting a tasty backdoor to the FBI. Enjoy the party van, bitch.

And if you haven't already connected your brain neurons into an original thought, streaming your porn alleviates some of the problems. You can still be tracked through cookies and whatever malicious code is on the website, so choose your provider carefully.

Don't talk about it

You're not weird, you're just yifferent, and as such you have discerning tastes about bestiality.

But for FUCK'S sakes, you're an idiot if you talk about that stuff offline. Hell, you're tempting faith if you talk about it online. Unless you're taking the piss on a constant basis, people are going to assume you're serious when you talk about how much you loved rat facials.mp4. You know cyclists pretend everyone's drunk and they're invisible? Do that with rat facials.

For the smart people:

Stop making porn accounts

I'll admit it - sometimes accounts can be useful. If you're browsing e621 (it's a porn site), you can blacklist some sorts of pornography you don't want to see. We all know the pain - you see some shit you don't like and then you're scarred for life. How is a man supposed to get past the pain of seeing something stuck in his own dick? And that's not even getting into the good stuff you can like, subscribe, and favourite to get better access to that That fucking hand that assholes use to seem cool when you want to see it.

But here's the rub, and not that rub, but the rub is that for every account that can be linked to your real-life identity, it's further evidence that you're rubbing to something that you shouldn't ever have rubbed to. Now if you wouldn't tell the world that you happen to like Mario porn, then why would you broadcast that to the Web?

The lesson is that if you are going to make an account for a porn site, give as much fake information as you possibly can. Use a burner e-mail like Guerrillamail, make a completely new username and password seperate from your other accounts, and set your privacy settings so that nobody can view your profile. Don't get friendly with the porn - let it get friendly with you.

Would you kindly delete your browsing history?

There are so many ways that cops can track your browsing history that you could get a boner and have it fade away by the time you're finished writing about all the ways.

There's a setting in your web browser which deletes your cookies and browsing history when you exit it. This is great, because it means nobody can prove on a local basis which web sites you visited (for the most part, like I say, there's a lot of ways). So just snoop in the settings and pop that shit on.

Special Snowden Section:

Use a VPN with Tor.

Long story short, a VPN means nobody, not even your service provider, knows your browsing history, as it filters all your traffic to a country like Moldova, which is the poorest country in Europe but will happily host servers for foreigners whose biggest problem is trying not to get arrested for masturbating.

Tor is a service which routes your traffic through three different computers until ending up at an exit relay, so it's very difficult for somebody to discern your IP address. Combined with a VPN, it stops most people from finding out your browsing habits.

I'll focus on them later, but for now you are a baby born from a tree. You will hit the ground, and whether you live or splat is a test of your character.

Be shady - watch Froghand for updates.

Today's page was updated on May 20, 2016! It was also created on that date.

End child abuse - don't have children.

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