The First Quarterly Froge Ball
Take me to Heck
Welcome to the first quarterly Froge Ball, where the points don't matter and it happens every 90 days for no adequately explained reason, despite this one appearing exactly 180 days after the foundation, as I did not have the brilliant foresight to imagine I would want to host so many parties. My name is Froge, I'm on the edge of my seat looking at shitty memes, and it's twelve past twenty-four hours when I'm writing this. I'm sexually frustrated and mentally exhausted, and it's the perfect time for me to start hosting an awards ceremony where nothing matters except for my opinions.
The format is the same as usual, where this is the very first celebration of its kind, and so there is no format. I'll rattle off some categories I make up on the spot, give awards to articles, BUAFYS, media, or other arbitrary things, and spend the day rattling off ideas like a hooker rattles off clients on New Year's. As your friendly neighbourhood froge, let me be the first to say: smash my head through the wall and make me suck a cow udder through a sippy straw. And also welcome to the gay ballroom. No, you can't use the washroom - piss in the soup like a civilised person.
And now for the awards:
Let me be the second to say: welcome to the gay ballroom. The awards have no structure beyond what I will state, so don't leave your comfy chairs, because you never know what to expect. Who knows, maybe Oprah will show up and give you a free car, laundering the money from her illegal hairspray business while using her book club sticker factory as a front for the revival of the Illuminati, using unprecedented access to the Internet to edit Wikipedia articles to include typoes, causing readers to slowly go insane as subliminal messages are included in each and every paragraph. Did I mention I'm sleep deprived?
Awards for surprisingly poor quality:
The Hardcore Porn in a Documentary award for quickest reversal of expectations goes to Bojack Horseman, a comedy series which was highly recommended by somebody who I trust very much, though on further reflection of his values and my own preferences as a patron of the arts, I will have to reconsider what I might enjoy based on his recommendations. An animated show which promised to be the most subversive and unexpected offering of the modern age bogged down by bum jokes and the writer's inability to build a decent plot on their life. I look forward to going to my brother's house and watching his Netflix spyware until three in the morning, so we can watch the entire season and remark on the one, two, arguably three episodes that I would want to spend my time re-watching.
Awards for surprisingly good quality:
The Documentary about Hardcore Porn for most sexless discussion on a sexy topic goes to Fur Science, a statistical study about anime, sports, and furries, which bring together surprising parallels and key differences between the groups, such as furries likely to own seven times more porn than all the other groups, furries having higher life satisfaction, furries having more friends within the fandom, and a lot of the stereotypes about furries being true, such as them taking great pride in their artistic heritage, fursonas being a way to represent their ideal selves, and being gay as all hecky. It's a brilliant little piece that brings much needed-study to much ignored groups, and one which taught me a lot about the way people act.
The Pornography about Hardcore Porn for sexiest discussion on a sexy topic (I haven't masturbated in eight years) goes to Lewd Gamer, featuring high-quality news and discussions about the sweetest of all human pleasures: anime tiddy. You know me, I'm an absolute slut for anything even mildly sexy, unless I happen to be working on image archival, in which case I'm as erect an unextended tape measure. Because porn is always a temporary pleasure, it's helpful to afford some dignity to it, so that you can appreciate it even when you're not horny and see how much work goes into the industry and the business of making tits - and of course, it features a lot of tits, because tits are good for the soul. I could go on, but I can already tell that this section is too close for comfort for some prudish people, so fie.
The Precum on the Plushie award for things you don't expect to stick goes to Cherry Tree High Comedy Club, a simulation game that is genuinely funny without resorting to any vulgarity (as it's sometimes nice to get away from all the tits and dicks), sweet because you get to make friends and understand their personalities as they open up to you, and legitimately satisfying because of the time management being some of the tightest, and yet least stressful, I've seen in a game. It won't set the world on fire with anything revolutionary, but for what it's trying to accomplish in the department of "sweet game showing you the wonders of platonic relationships", it works. It also features a darling Canadian girl, who was my waifu for some time until I realised she was too young for me. Sorry, Ravian.
Awards that restore your faith in humanity:
The Lose Yourself award for best argument for being a rapper goes to the Westword 50 Best Rap Lyrics of all Time, which feature such brilliant prose presented in such brilliant ways that I am astounded that the same rappers who brag about lean, bitches, drugs, money, and the thug life, are the same rappers who listen to these people. How can you listen to Kendrick Lamar or Eminem or Nas or Public Enemy or Biggie Smalls and not be inspired by what they have to say? How can you listen to the words of the greats, and still fail to improve your work to match? I guess it's comfortable being stupid - that's where the money's at. This humble list details some of the best poetry you'll ever see, and seeing them written out like this, it really is poetry.
The Calvin and Hobbes award for the best argument for comic books goes to MetaMaus, a lucid detail of the history of comics, the symbolism inherent in the work of Maus, the thought process of the comic book artist, the techniques specific to the medium and why they are important, and the sheer amount of effort that went into compiling thirteen years worth of Holocaust footage to work on one project, which makes you wonder how he would have felt if he had failed. If comics are as alien to you as they are to me, you really cannot go wrong with seeking out this book and poring over it obsessively, because it truly is a gem on what a culture entails.
The Drug Addict in a Candy Shop award for best portrayal of addiction goes to IRL - In Real Life, a short video about being addicted to World of Warcraft, how it affected his life, and why he stopped. It isn't manipulative, nor does it compel you to do anything, but it explains all the reasons why he continued playing the game even after it affected his life, even after he knew he was missing out on the real world and all the benefits it can bring. There really is a difference between games that help you and games that hurt you, and I don't want anybody to waste their life on something that they think they enjoy, but are only hoping that they're enjoying it.
Awards that argue for eugenics:
The LGBTQ Rights award for topics impossible to discuss thirty years ago goes to the Review of Game Reviewers, making the case that reviewers neither have the intelligence, individuality, brilliance of prose, understanding of the arts, nor the depth of experience to review games, making the vast majority of reviews irrelevant in the face of evidence which states they are incompetent. The use of numbers to distill ideas into easy-to-digest formats shows that they do not appreciate the impact of a well thought-out opinion, nor do they showcase games in a context that is designed to appreciate them for what they are. They are cogs in a commercial machine designed to pander to the largest audience and rustle the least feathers in order to maintain viewership and satisfy their obsessive niche. It's a pathetic field saved by only one, two, arguably three people, all of which are honest to the point of brilliance, and do not back down for a lesser audience, blatant self-promotion.
The Cheese Grater on the Ballsack award for cringiest cultural trend goes to individuals who constant discuss about how horrible of a human being they are, while still insisting that they are better than you and call you a fucking idiot for calling them out on both their self-depreciation and their massive egoes. I started thinking about this after the BAUFY on YouTube's bullying, but it occurs to me that this may be the first generation that can say violent things with such deep imagery like joking about having somebody shoot you, or wanting to kill yourself over incredibly minor things, and that it's a cultural trend that makes it seem like this self-depreciating behaviour is okay. It's not, simply, because it damages your outlook on life, and when you apply that same outlook to your personal relationships, it alienates everyone around you. YouTube bullies deserve to be harshly criticised for their actions and attitude, much like the "LOL RANDOM" trend that came before it, because being aware that you're a toxic human being doesn't absolve you from toxic actions.
The Hideo Kojima award for weaponising stupidity goes to Buzzfeed's continued pinkwashing and pandering to specific demographics in order to soullessly suck clicks out of them for advertising revenue, which are the cold facts of its business model, as I have found nothing of value on this website, and nothing that will affect the world when it leaves. Maddox (the cool guy you've never heard of) described it as the cancer of the Internet, because its business model spread throughout the entirety of it, reducing the value of intelligence, portraying it as acceptable to manipulate minority's problems for revenue as opposed to being sympathetic with them, and continuing to marginalise people from each other in order to develop voices which are all separate from each other, yet so loyal enough to their cause that they continue to view content that is only relevant to them - preferably on Buzzfeed. It is intellectual junk food for the new age, and all who submits themselves to it can do much better with their lives.
Awards for Froge's personal incompetence:
The We Did It Reddit! award goes to Froge's complete and utter failure to market the Industrial Steamworks article to an audience who he thought would most enjoy - such as gamers and nerds, all of whom either said he was shadowbanned (I wasn't) or blocked him from messaging the subreddit mods (those cunts). Only one person looked at the page, and he then learned he was colourblind, because he thought the entire page was the colour red when it's supposed to be green. To his credit, I wouldn't read it either - I wouldn't read 10 words under those circumstances, let alone 21,000. Bonus points goes to Richard Stallman calling the article "acerbic", and for it being the longest article on my website for four and a half months. That is, until it was usurped by a better article down the line.
The Chronically Distracted Copywriter award for lack of punctuality goes towards the 12 / 180 days where I failed to update my BUAFY. I don't remember specifics to the point where any of these were justified, though considering how difficult it is for me to deliver so much content on a daily basis, persevering out of sheer determination, I assume that at least some of those days were an acceptable break from the challenge. Still, it means that there is some uptime to be desire, as every day without an update is a day that nobody learns a thing, and so I should continue on as I mean to: alive and on time.
The Fourteen-Year-Old Introvert award for worst social skills comes with the contradiction that is my Neocities comments in relation to my blog. Now, I'm not so far up my ass that I can't pull jokes on my audience. I enjoy giving them cheap laughs like I'm the weed man, distributing the good jokes like nothing at all. But there is a limit, and I wonder when I end up pushing that limit and start damaging my reputation for sincerity because of it. "What reputation?", you ask. And that's what I thought, you cheeky cunt, mate. I must continue to act polite, and continue to be responsible with jokes, because otherwise you'll overdose, and I hate to set a precedent saying I can be held responsible for blokes dying of laughter.
Awards for Froge's gifts to the world:
The Spooky Scary Cosmetic Surgery award goes to the 2016-10-29 through 2016-11-01 redesign, where the entire website was drenched in black, smothered in orange, and had the colours inverted, a bit like a novelty condom topped off with spooky lube. My continued dedication to random shit nobody asked for yet continues to have a novel effect on the world is rivaled only by Neopets and Runescape. May we go down in history, as Web 2.0 dies out, and we are absorbed by the eldrich pit that is responsive design.
The My Little Pony Fanfiction award for surprising depth and length goes to the Froge Guide to Writing, which talks about so many different subjects about life, the arts, beauty, what it means to be a good person, and why society has been keeping you down for thirteen years, that it has expanded well beyond its original scope, and into something worthy of being sold on its own. Fortunately for you, it remains free, forever, and as such I bring special mention to its 27,000 word length, as it is likely to remain the longest thing ever written, unless I finally write that fucking novel.
The Blow-up Doll award for surprisingly solid dick goes to the "OPSEC for Online Accounts" article, which continues to feature novel and imaginative information ab out how to stay private in an uncertain age. While such practices as cloaking your username, e-mail, using unique passwords, a VPN, Tor, and how to avoid getting doxxed, are all very common and passively applied every day by the tech-savvy of us, there are still too many people who are unfortunately ignorant of the practices. This article is a great starting point to direct those people to, and I am proud that I have spent so much time on Web security in the past, so that I may take this information and allow it to spread.
The best of the best awards:
The Batman award for the hero that we need, but not the one we deserve goes to LISA, for being the last great RPG of the modern era, with such incredible depth of imagination, symbolism, mechanics, and story, that I'm having trouble believing that it existed at all. Its quiet enjoyment by all who play it is outshone by far inferior games like Undertale with a fanbase as rabid as what Invader Zim was a few years ago, which shows that genuine art will be beaten by blatant pandering nine out of ten times, and the other one time is because the art did some pandering as well. This is one of the few "manly" games, not because it is one that only men would be interested in, but because it is one of the games that men most need to play, dealing with gender issues in a way that appeals to everybody who gets it, doesn't require much thought, and yet is still brilliant for what thought goes into it. It is one of the best things I have ever experienced in my life, and I will be damned if I get to say that again by the time the year is over.
The Futurama award for shows that get better with age goes to The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. What can you say about an anime that knows every trick of the trade, subverts all expectations, and treats the audience with the respect it deserves - and the more you know about anime and the tropes within it, the more you'll get out of this series. Its lowest points of quality are nowhere near as bad as the worst parts of other shows, and few other shows can rival its highest highs, and whatever complaints I can throw at it is muffled out by the privilege actually go through the entire series, from beginning to end, and appreciate how much the series rewards you for simply watching it. It's a feat of animation and a feat of character development, and is one of those things that you will constantly look back on as a source of everything just going so right.
The worst of the worst awards:
The Stephen Harper award for the world's slowest trainwreck goes to Bioshock Infinite, a highly-recommended game promising fun, adventure, historical commentary, and a promising partnership, only to shit the bed with a nonsense story, an idiot plot, themes that aren't used for anything but set dressing, tedious gameplay, and an ending that makes you want to open a tear to Ken Levine's office and throw his desktop out the window so he never again looks at the failed abortion that was the Bioshock Infinite screenplay. The game shows a constant disrespect for the medium by throwing out interactivity in favour of story, creating gameplay whose difficulty is artificially increased by the lack of comprehension of what is happening on the screen, and by reducing the complexity of your abilities from the original Bioshock to the point where gameplay deviates towards picking a standard loadout that works and never deviating from it, otherwise you'll die. There is very little to redeem this overwritten, overdrawn, under-developed piece of trite, and I feel bad for whoever had the misfortune to play it.
The Teen Pregnancy award for babby's first mistake goes to my "Don't get Caught on that CP" one. It was my very first work, woefully short, doesn't talk about anything revolutionary, and has none of the spectacle or charm of what makes my work great. It was testing the waters in favour of what would become my second article, "It's Because I'm Black, isn't it?", which doesn't feature as brilliant prose, though is still a good step up from my first. I'm showcasing it in my "worst" list because, simply, it is my worst work. I take it to the gallows, and I execute it in front of you, in order to showcase that you will do bad work, and you must not quit when you do, because otherwise, well... look at what I have now. I wouldn't have made it if I didn't try to, eh?
Alright, everybody, that's your lot. It's been a good reflection, though a short one, so next half-year we'll come back with some more. And I know some asshole is going to be saying "yeah, if he survives next year". You know what? Fuck you for not believing in me. I lasted this long, I intend to last with this project so far as it remains my best one. And I'm predicting that will be the case for a long-ass while. What other blog has two megabytes worth of content just from words alone? That's what I bloody thought.
There are some things I didn't get to talk about, and some things you may have liked to see, but I assure you, that whatever questions you may have, I am open to listen, and as such, am willing to expend the energy to talk about. So good luck in your life, and if you don't come by every day, come by in three months. A bientôt, mon amies!
Gratutious French at Froghand.
Today's page was updated on 2016-11-16 and created on 2016-11-16!
Dancing is mandatory. Fun is optional. I am willing to alter these terms.